Am I getting old and curmugeny? Don't want to do anything anymore. Even tried volunteering for Red Cross... client casework class was 4 hours. 4 hours of wasted time and there are 5 more hours to go.
When I was younger, I would give everything the old college try. Just for the heck of it. Now that I know myself better, don't want to waste my time.
Is this a blessing or a curse? Curse because it makes me less patient and more jaded. Blessing because I can now be my "authentic self." Maybe my authentic self wants to do nothing and watch reality shows all day. What is the "authentic self?" And should I strive to go "with it?" With this "authentic self?" Or is it just atrophy and entropy talking?
I so much older now but still don't know how to handle myself. Thinking of trying stand up comedy. But wonder if I should just go get a regular job like I always have. Should I stop chasing rainbows?
Funny thing is that I was always a joyless tool. Always worried and trying to conform to do whatever anybody told me. Started when my parents abandoned me for 2 years. After reuniting with them, I tried to be as good as possible. This meant totally sublimating my own needs and identity.
Now, I am 42 years old and don't know who I am and what I really want in life. Or maybe I do but just not courageous enough to go for it. 42...where did the time go?
Looking at that number seems so foreign. What is that number in relation to me? Wow, is that another person?
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