Broke up with my boyfriend (I think) this Memorial Day Weekend. He had a mysterious contagious skin ailment on his face that made him break out in orange whiteheads and subcutaneous boils. When I tried to intervene and wanted to take him to the ER the Thursday before Memorial Day Weekend, he refused. I then thought he would do it for me when I told him that I was having a lot of pelvic pain and trouble urinating and thought that maybe whatever was on his face was inside me because he had performed oral sex on me.
He was stubborn and always has been but now I am really angry because I am in pain and it doesn't seem to matter to him. I asked him if he would go to the ER with me this weekend so I could get examined. I explained to him that if I went alone, they would only run a lab on whatever bacteria they would usually find in a pelvic exam, ie, STD's, yeast, bacterial vaginosis. If he came with me, they would be able to get a sample on his face and they could run a test for the same bacterial that they think would be the cause of his skin infection.
He said he would do it but you could tell he didn't want to and didn't care. I didn't bother to call him this weekend because I was tired and just didn't want to talk to him anymore. I thought he would call me to see how I was doing but he didn't.
This man hurts me all the time like this, if I don't call him, he won't call me. I feel like I care more about him than he does about me. The funny thing is I don't even love him but I keep thinking that the more I do for him, the more human he will become and the easier it will be for me to fall in love with him. As it stands now, I feel like I am in a psuedo relationship with a sort of nice guy who is totally clueless.
However, I cannot help but think that if he loved me, he would be treating me better and more loving. My friends and therapist think that this is just the way he is and not to take it personally. I cannot help it. I try so hard to make him happy thinking that he and I will bond but then when I really need him, he does not respond in a human manner.
I had reservations about him from the very beginning but compared to all the losers I met when I tried online dating, I thought maybe this is the best I can do. In the end, I am responsible because I could've been more selective. I guess I thought he could change but I was wrong.
I feel very sad right now. And very alone as well. I stayed the course with him because I thought he was a nice guy. I guess every guy can be a nice guy when the girl does all the work and the guy benefits. I wish I was a stronger person. Just so tired of going at life on my own.
