I have problems getting up in the morning. One of the blessings of being unemployed is that I can wake up and get up when I feel like it. I get nauseous when I get up before I am rested. Sometimes I have heaving fits in the morning where I spit up yellow bile if I did not get my proper night's rest.
I love being able to get up when it is light out. I've always had a fear of getting up or going out in the dark. It isn't really a fear, but the thought is repugnant to me. This is one of the reasons why I moved out to the west coast.
I hated getting up in the dark, going to work in the dark and then commuting back in the dark on the east coast. Wearing my parka, waiting for the bus, then the trains. Only to do it all over again when my work day ended and the journey back home ensued.
I miss my parents a lot and am starting to feel guilty or sad about not being close to them. I also moved out here to get some freedom for myself. My parents are good people but my MOM is extremely controlling. She even talked me into exchanging the school ring I chose to a style that she liked.
Don't get me wrong, the style I picked out sucked and I totally agreed that the ring she liked was better. However, what I didn't like was that I didn't want a school ring in the first place. I didn't even like school. Maybe that is my problem.
My mom just wanted me to be normal and give me the opportunities that many other parents want for their children. Maybe there is something wrong with me. I guess I have trouble making decisions myself and never developed that muscle.
Now in order to make any decision, I need to be totally alone, without the influence of anyone close to me, ie significant other, parents, etc. I can't seem to be with people I love without wanting their approval and hence letting them make decisions for me.
I try to live more in spirit now and just do what I want to to do. I feel like I can do this without being impulsive and hurting myself because I am 42 years old and have some experience behind me. Sometimes, analysis is paralysis especially for me and you just don't know until you try so I try now....carefully, and as my therapist says, be quiet and try it on, the thought of doing that thing and ask yourself how does that feel.
You cannot do this with something that you are phobic with because then you are not objective. But this works well with most things. I will try to do it more. I blog about this because I forget and need to apply what I've learned.
My laptop was stolen and all my notes. I figure with this blog, I will always be able to access my written thoughts. I hope that others can benefit too from my experiences.
There is so much sadness and quiet desperation. Myself included, where I had no idea what to do. I'm older now and have more resources and hope that I can share what I've learned. Not that I know that much more than anyone else. Just a thought.
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