Letting spirit move me

I have problems getting up in the morning.  One of the blessings of being unemployed is that I can wake up and get up when I feel like it.  I get nauseous when I get up before I am rested.  Sometimes I have heaving fits in the morning where I spit up yellow bile if I did not get my proper night's rest. 

I love being able to get up when it is light out.  I've always had a fear of getting up or going out in the dark.  It isn't really a fear, but the thought is repugnant to me.  This is one of the reasons why I moved out to the west coast.

I hated getting up in the dark, going to work in the dark and then commuting back in the dark on the east coast.  Wearing my parka, waiting for the bus, then the trains.  Only to do it all over again when my work day ended and the journey back home ensued.

I miss my parents a lot and am starting to feel guilty or sad about not being close to them.  I also moved out here to get some freedom for myself.  My parents are good people but my MOM is extremely controlling.  She even talked me into exchanging  the school ring I chose to a style that she liked.

Don't get me wrong, the style I picked out sucked and I totally agreed that the ring she liked was better.  However, what I didn't like was that I didn't want a school ring in the first place.  I didn't even like school.  Maybe that is my problem.

My mom just wanted me to be normal and give me the opportunities that many other parents want for their children.  Maybe there is something wrong with me.  I guess I have trouble making decisions myself and never developed that muscle. 

Now in order to make any decision, I need to be totally alone, without the influence of anyone close to me, ie significant other, parents, etc.  I can't seem to be with people I love without wanting their approval and hence letting them make decisions for me.

I try to live more in spirit now and just do what I want to to do.  I feel like I can do this without being impulsive and hurting myself because I am 42 years old and have some experience behind me.  Sometimes, analysis is paralysis especially for me and you just don't know until you try so I try now....carefully, and as my therapist says, be quiet and try it on, the thought of doing that thing and ask yourself how does that feel.

You cannot do this with something that you are phobic with because then you are not objective.  But this works well with most things.  I will try to do it more.  I blog about this because I forget and need to apply what I've learned.

My laptop was stolen and all my notes.  I figure with this blog, I will always be able to access my written thoughts.  I hope that others can benefit too from my experiences.

There is so much sadness and quiet desperation.  Myself included, where I had no idea what to do.  I'm older now and have more resources and hope that I can share what I've learned.  Not that I know that much more than anyone else.  Just a thought.

Frustration

When I don't exercise, I feel frustrated.  This locked energy then spews forward in the most awkward ways.  I think I cut somebody off yesterday when I was driving.  Not really, because I signalled way ahead of time but the car next to me was going so fast that it was hard to make it to the left lane to make a left turn.

What I feel bad about is that the car honked at me when I got into the left turn lane and then I honked back.  I feel bad because I had a feeling that I did do something wrong and instead of sitting with that; I had to honk back.

The weird thing is that I wasn't even angry or feeling frustrated before that happened.  I was fine, went to the Farmer's market, did not work out as much as I usually do but still, a good beginning to the day.  The cars are so fast now,  it could be a 35 mph speed limit and everyone is going 50.  I am sure I've done it myself.

I just did what everyone else does which is put on my turn signal when I am about to make a turn instead of what I usually do which is put on my turn signal and of course, 9 out of 10 times, the car will speed up instead of slowing down to let me in.  I then let them speed up and go past me and I immediately follow.  This takes some time and I need to know about 1/2 mile before I make a turn.

This time, everyone was going so fast that by the time I saw my turn, I had to put my signal on, look and then turn like everyone else.  No giving them the time to pass me. 

Anyhoo, whatever.  I feel guilty but that energy is a waste.  I guess I cannot do what everyone else does and get away with it.  Story of my life.

random thoughts

Giving thanks.  Watching football and the players give thanks to God when they make a touchdown.  Making gesticulations in the air in praise of God.  Maybe we should do that all the time, giving thanks to passing a kidney stone, or having a productive bowel movement, etc.  Maybe if we lived life with more relish, life would be more fun.

I think I love my boyfriend

Saw my boyfriend yesterday.  He came by and picked me up.  We went to his house and spent the night together eating and watching tv and playing with his dogs.  Nothing wildly passionate, I have my period.  But it felt very romantic.  I think I love him.  He is the first man I have been with who doesn't irritate me or make me nervous in a bad way.  I feel good when I am with him, it took awhile to get here since he was not that expressive in the beginning. 

I admire and look up to this man, he seems very structured and by the book, sometimes even savant like, ausberger's, autistic, as my therapist would say...  But I feel secure because even though he is not overtly romantic, his actions are very caring.  He is very dependable and like clockwork.  Sometimes I take this for granted because I wish he could be more spontaneous with his declarations of love - none yet.  But we see each other 4-5 times a week and he calls me everyday. 

I hope I can live up to what he would like in a mate.  Wish I could be organized and disciplined like him.  I know this sounds boring to you but what I lack in my life is structure and he is the master of it.  Structure sounds boring but it is what puts food on the table, money in the bank so people, dogs, things can be taken care of.  No, he is not a sugar daddy, that is not what I mean because I give as well.  I mean that, he is very hardworking and does what he has to do even when he doesn't feel like it to make a nice home for his dogs and himself. 

I wish I could have pets myself but I am in an apartment that does not allow dogs.  Then there is the question of being unemployed right now.  If I was him, I would take any job, that was the way I used to be as well.  But now, I know who I am and I cannot go backwards anymore.

I also feel that people should do their jobs without resenting their jobs.  It is not fair to the customer or people that person would be serving.  I don't want to be that bitter, resentful person.  I also don't want to be that tired, numb, passionless person as well.

I hope I come out of this unemployment experience with a new skill or craft.  Something that I can pour my whole heart into.  Wishful thinking?  Perhaps, but we gotta have dreams or we are just dead inside.

Being authentic vs being self-disciplined - can you be both?

I often wonder if I should do things that I do not want to do.  For example, take a job I do not want, volunteer at things I really do not want to do.  When I was younger, I would do it all because I thought what the heck.  Now, I just don't have the patience or energy.  When does one push themselves?  For example being authentic would sound like " I don't like the gym."  Being self disciplined would sound like " I don't like the gym but it is good for me so I will do it anyway."  Being inauthentic would be me saying to myself and others "I love the gym." 

Sounds confusing and like I am splitting hairs?  Not sure myself sometimes but I have realized from therapy that being authentic is GOOD.  Being self disciplined is GOOD.  Having clarity on what you want is GOOD.  Now I just have to pull it all together and make it work for me.

In the end, choices have to be made and looking back on my life, I realized that I made choices that were INauthentic and even though I learned a few things here and there, I think I could've spent my time more wisely.  In the end, it is always better to know who you are even though it narrows your choices.

In the past, I was afraid to know who I really was because I was afraid of the real me.  What if the real me doesn't want a normal job, to be married and have 2.5 kids, etc.  That would break my parents' heart.  Guess what, it looks like that is going to happen anyway in a more roundabout painful way.  Where I keep trying for normality, lying to myself and others.  In the end, I gotta be me and deal with the consequences.

what is passion? what is MY passion?

Am I getting old and curmugeny?  Don't want to do anything anymore.  Even tried volunteering for Red Cross... client casework class was 4 hours.  4 hours of wasted time and there are 5 more hours to go.

When I was younger, I would give everything the old college try.  Just for the heck of it.  Now that I know myself better, don't want to waste my time.

Is this a blessing or a curse?  Curse because it makes me less patient and more jaded.  Blessing because I can now be my "authentic self."  Maybe my authentic self wants to do nothing and watch reality shows all day.  What is the "authentic self?"  And should I strive to go "with it?"  With this "authentic self?"  Or is it just atrophy and entropy talking?

I so much older now but still don't know how to handle myself.  Thinking of trying stand up comedy.  But wonder if I should just go get a regular job like I always have.  Should I stop chasing rainbows?

Funny thing is that I was always a joyless tool.  Always worried and trying to conform to do whatever anybody told me.  Started when my parents abandoned me for 2 years.  After reuniting with them, I tried to be as good as possible.  This meant totally sublimating my own needs and identity.

Now, I am 42 years old and don't know who I am and what I really want in life.  Or maybe I do but just not courageous enough to go for it.  42...where did the time go? 

Looking at that number seems so foreign.  What is that number in relation to me?  Wow, is that another person?

To work or not to work, that is the question...

Unemployed for almost 7 months now.  Lost my job in February, had a temporary assignment in September that I was hoping would turn into a permanent job but only lasted 3 weeks.  Now wondering if I should even take temp/part-time/unstable job assignments.  These jobs offer no job security, no health insurance and mess with your unemployment.

I totally understand not getting paid for the weeks that you work but then you have to reactivate your unemployment claim when your job ends.  Then there is that unsettling waiting period of wondering if they will continue your unemployment.

Mailed in my claim for an extension yesterday, hoping that my unemployment will continue without any issues.

Work like love has no guarantees and messes with your peace of mind.  Sometimes, it seems almost better to sit out.  With love, I wonder if it is even worth it to get married.  There is so much to deal with in a divorce.  Usually when there is no more love there, 2 people will agree to part and so be it.

With divorce, you are forced to settle your differences, assets and to keep communicating with your ex so you can get/keep some of your stuff, money, etc.

Sometimes, when there's nothing there, it is really painful, uncomfortable and absurd to keep going over the same stuff over and over.  With divorce, one has to work at it.  Work at getting the divorce that is, even after trying to work at the relationship which is so over.

It's like trying to make some kind of meal with stale or spoiled leftovers.  Too good to just throw away (walk away from completely)  but too toxic to eat.